17/08/09

She lays in the mess she created, watching the candle light flicker lightly as her heavy breathing travels across the room, she dreams of a life where she is normal and without the confusion she currently has circling around her head.

Wishing she could tell someone what she felt, if only she knew how to put it into words. She feels weak and powerless, sick of feeling captive in her own body, but too paralyzed and caged by her emotions to stop it.

The candle light goes out, darkness fills the room but she doesn't even notice. Her eyes glaze over and her mind becomes blank. She feels numb.

Oh to feel normal for one day, like when I used to be an infant.

15/06/09

Tea makes things better.

But it doesn't fix things, maybe another one will.

In the water, I am beautiful.

And I know its not to get away from me,
You just need a change of scenery
So strange how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last, 'cause

These words might be, too little too late,
And I'm afraid that I have already lost you
Now three months equals eternity and this will be so hard
And I will long to hold you in my arms

And when you ask do you love me
I should reply with yes most certainly
I always hesitate there's something lingering
I will try harder to be all that I can be

These words might be, too little too late,
And I'm afraid that I have already lost you 
Now three months equals eternity and this will be so hard
And I will long to hold you in my arms

26/04/09

I am in a predicament.

I don't know if I love Chace Crawford or Ed Westwick.

I think I love them both, thats okay right?

03/04/09

Although it was quite a big spider, I am showing no symptoms of spider cooties.

But I am going to take a course of chocolate, just incase.

03/04/09

Today a spider was crawling all over me, and I had no idea until Pete told me to step outside. Where I stripped off and squealed.

I now think I may have spider cooties, I am going to google for symptoms.

09/03/09

The human mind boggles me sometimes.
I try not to understand it, but sometimes you can't help but notice it.
Things can be happy-go-lucky one minute, the next it can blow up in your face.

Are we designed like this? and why is it always through texts or pixels?
What makes us react to certain things in certain ways?

I'm sure there can be no scientific explanation for it, well not in the process of:

E(Emotion)=M(Mood)C(Consequences)2

"If it's complicated, simplify, recovery"

People can confuse you, and make you realise things aren't black and white, sometimes I wish it was that easy. There is more drama in life than a Christmas episode of Eastenders.

Sometimes I think it would be better if people would say what they were thinking, but then I think I like the words that fall silently around me, and I understand them better.
I know there are many things that I would like to say, but it takes a lot of balls to say them, and I could possibly risk doing more damage by speaking than remaining mute. Keeping things bottled up is not always the answer, but sometimes I just don't understand the question well enough.

I wish I had a rewind button, if only for a day, so I could see what would happen if I really let everything out, but alas that button will forever remain on my Sky remote.

"When I hit a rhythm within, I feel happy when I'm living in it, When I wanna turn it round on its head, Aah recovery"

I wonder if things are pre-planned out for us? Now I'm not religious in any kind if way, I often see us as chess pieces in someone's 'game of life' as it were. There are the strategic moves that play out well, and then there are the absolute cock up moves that result in certain pieces being taken off the board. But are we the ones playing? Or being played? Surely it is our own judgement that results in certain pieces being taken off the board.

How long till we reach checkmate?

08/03/09

I have had THE worst few days.

Until last night.
Thanks to Adam a last minute trip home to my sisters house party is exactly what I needed.
Even if I was only there for nine hours, it was the happiest nine hours for me.
Just seeing her and just being able to hang there, made me so happy.
I miss her so much, leaving is unbearable.


I can't wait for Easter and Summer.


Oooh, also. I made Cakey-pangs :]

24/02/09

I start to wonder if our moods are pre-planned for us.
How and why do they drop or fall? I don't know if my sudden emotional crash is due to missing home unbearably or just that fact I have some certain things on my mind, all I know is I woke up today and just didn't want to be here.
I've had these feelings before, and I seem to go deeper and deeper into myself, and I just don't want to see anyone. Even though I've made plans I just wanna curl up in a ball.

I think I just need some time to myself, I'm getting crushed under my thoughts.

Things just don't seem right and I find I'm working myself up and getting scared. I'm starting to miss people I haven't seen for a while more and more, when usually I'm okay.
I started to thing about things sat in A&E the other day. I remember the old man, sat on his own with blood pouring out of his head and nose, the elderly woman sat on her own. No-one to talk to. I don't ever wanna get like that, getting old scares me, but being alone terrifies me.

I feel like I'm in a box and I want to scream, but I just cannot get enough air, and no-one knows I'm here.

I hate how different parts of my body are in conflict, I just can't seem to agree with myself on anything.

I need to stop, before I get in over my head.

25/01/09

I have had a very eventful few days.
Consisting of some very good nights out, some confrontation and some blasts from the past.
Uni has been amazing and I have had so much fun working on this project, it was exciting, but I also got to work with some brilliant people.
Was a friend in need on Wednesday and had a very enjoyable night, trying to cheer them up and chatting nonsense.

Alex and Luke came back this weekend, words cannot describe how much I have missed them. All of us being together again reminded me of the fun I had back in halls.
F2 was without a doubt the best year of my life, and I had the best experiences with the most amazing people. I wish I could go back in time and live it again.
These people will always be close to my heart.

Things finally seem to be getting back to normal and I am able to write again.
I am happy, not in every way, but more than I was a week ago.

F2 ♥

19/01/08

The last couple of days have been more rotten than the people who have created my bad mood.
However, the knowledge that in a week I shall be going to New York has cheered me up greatly.

I have realised over the past couple of days how much people can stab you in the back, they just don't care. I sometimes wonder why the human race has lasted as long as it has, because we are absolute wankers with no consideration for other people, but I suppose on the opposing hand there are some amazing people, and I have got some amazing friends and the best family anyone could ever ask for. If it wasn't for them, I think I would have joined the big guy in the clouds a long time ago.

I have a feeling I'll be tempted to stay in New York, I know that I'm going to love it and bar the people I love stated above, I can't see much reason for me to stay in England.

I guess we'll see.

Kitted myself out in lots of warm Primark gear and a hat that makes me resemble a teddy. It's going to be -20 and I'm not taking any chances of having various body parts succumb to frost bite.

Uni is going really well and I am enjoying my current project, I don't really have much to complain about :]

My minds gone blank, I've been feeling a bit numb and emotionless so it's been a bit difficult to write, not knowing where my heads at. I have replaced writing for reading, its easing me back into things. I miss writing, I have bought a new notebook so I can write some stories on the plane and sit in Central Park and do some people watching, try and create a life for them based around their actions and expressions. I'm looking forward to going somewhere new, and learning different things.

I ♥ NY

14/01/09

They say blondes have more fun, however I wouldn't say forking out £10 for a taxi home inspired much fun in me.
After the six and a half minute taxi journey, I begrudgingly handed over my new crisp ten pound note, realising I'd payed over £1 per minute.
Although as Red pointed out, I've just had a free hair colour and products, which would probably have set me back around £200. I think its just the student grinch in me, I can't help but working out how many pints I could have got for that money.
As I travelled back, I just gazed out of my window watching people, cars and nature pass me by. Only a few hours before it had been light and bright, now however it looks like everything has been covered in a large, black cloth.
I always find that when I'm travelling whether by foot, train, bus or car I can't help but gaze at the burning lights escaping from peoples windows. I always wonder who lives there? what have they done today? who are they? I've seen countless lampshades, each and everyone different and I realise that everyone who lives in these houses are different, and how much I would like to get to know them all. Just to sit with them and listen and find out about their day.
When I sit in my room my lampshade burning I wonder whether, when people walk past my house do they wonder who lives there? Can they hazard a guess at who I am? Just by the look of my lampshade.

I watched 'Blood Diamond' last night, and I cannot describe the emotions and thoughts it sent racing through my body and mind, I sat there watching the credits, cheeks wet thinking things really aren't that bad for me, not when I compare to what's going on in other countries, I slowly looked down at my diamond ring and wondered what bloodshed had been created for this rock, which is all it is. I took it off, and won't ever wear it again.

Diamonds are not a girls best friend, especially if that best friend has caused the murder of an entire village.

Had a couple of heavy nights out, including one night of heavy drinking till four in morning rocking out on Guitar Hero. Cinema tonight.

It's good to be back.

10/01/09

Last night consisted of far too much alcohol, however it was an incredible night. Despite the foolish choice of woman's needs.
I did however come away with a ghastly hangover, and £2.50 found in my bed.
I was still far too drunk this morning to do anything, least of all food shopping. So i ordered Domino's (obviously).
I've only managed three slices though.

I'm pleased to say I'm finally back, got lost for eight months and have been trying to find myself again, I had a few snags a long the way, including a VERY bad night, and realising you just can't call on some people for help.
But after a very good chat with a very close friend I felt a lot better, they helped me to see myself again, and gave me a very nice pick me up message the other day, and for the first time since being back in Wycombe, I smiled, a full ear to ear grin, and went out feeling very happy.
It's good to be back to myself again.

After a few blips, I feel I've got this new year off to a good start, I just intend to have fun. Even if fun consists of having hangovers of a disagreeable nature.
I don't know how I feel about starting back on Monday, but I'm sure once I'm there I'll feel better, although thinking of it fills me with a sick, scared feeling. And no, thats not the hangover.

I'm so excited for New York, especially the agreement me and Portia have.
I have so much more to write about, but nothing that I can PG down to put in here.
I'm now going to go into hibernation under my duvet and hope this hangover will find some other poor human to release its bad vibes onto, as I'm quite literally sick of it now.

04/01/09

I miss her.

02/01/09

I can't believe I'm back in Wycombe. I hate it, I feel so different when I'm here. When I'm back at home, I feel I can by myself, yet when I arrive back in Wycombe, I feel like I'm a completely different person, and I can't be myself, or act like myself.

NYE was actually immense.
City was unbelievabley packed. We couldn't move during the countdown although managed to survive for High Contrast who were amazing. However, not as good as Rusko. His set was incredible, myself and Hannah got pulled onto the stage with him to dance, however it got incredibly busy and the set had to be stopped, we all got escorted off. Then me and Hannah found some speakers and decided to dance 5ft higher than everyone else.
Had to help a girl outside, it was bizarre, she was very intoxicated and couldn't remember her name or where she was staying, so we had to comfort her and called the paramedics.
We got home at about half four as the club started to get too empty and chilled out at the house, I didn't end up in bed till half seven!
It was without a doubt the best NYE ever, I had the most amazing time.

On Thursday, Myself, Nixi and Hannah just cotched and blazed all day in Nixi's bed. We watched 'The Swan Princess' and 'The Little Mermaid" remarking on how we loved Disney films, but also how they give girls the wrong impression that they are always going to be saved by our night in shining armor. However, we all agreed that believing in a fairy tale, even if it is just for a little while was nice. Doing the death claw with Nixi to the power ballads most definately made my day.

I had to try so hard not to cry when I left. I'm going to miss it there so much. I'll miss Nixi, Matt and most certainly Hannah more than anything, I have had the most amazing time with them, and laughed so hard my sides physically hurt. It was the best way to ever bring in the new year.

We all decided on the resolution:

Drink more, Smoked more, Party more.